the most grown-up cosmic brownies ever

My dad thinks that my life is spiraling out of control and that I'm failing out of school. Rest assured, I'm not. Sure, I'm definitely a tad bit overdramatic and telling him that I totally failed my midterms didn't help, but he should know by now that "failing" in my mind means getting a B. Yes, even I can agree that I've definitely been off my routine lately, been going out too much, skipping my pilates classes too regularly, et cetera, but dude.... chill out. (Oh and about that giant hickey I came home with last weekend.... oops?)

I always say that March and October are the two most hectic, nerve-wracking months of the entire year. This year hasn't been any different. School is crazy. Life is crazy. My roots are crazy. Everything is crazy.

This past weekend I came to the realization that even though this break from the regularly scheduled program that is my life was much needed, getting my shit together is even more necessary. First things first —for the love of God please stop me from making an Iggy Azalea reference right now — I've got to reconcile with my beautiful KitchenAid. She thinks I've been cheating on her lately.... so I made some brownies as a peace offering!!!

I've been super inspired by my childhood lately, and when I say that I mean the part of my childhood where my brother and I would polish off a whole box of Cosmic Brownies in one night. I made a personal vow to never eat store-bought desserts in high school, so I've been on a mission to bring Cosmic Brownies back into my life in the most bougie and pretentious way possible. How did I do that exactly? Hella browned butter, some really expensive cocoa powder, salted caramelized milk chocolate ganache, and about 40-plus dollars of Valrhona chocolate stuffed in, around, and on top. Yep, I'm that guy. 

Brb, I've got to tend to these heinous roots. No really, they're so far gone that I can't even write them off as natural ombré anymore. In the meantime, make these brownies! You can even call me Little Debbie. Miss Deborah if you're nasty.

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Grown-up Cosmic Brownies

Chocolate Brownies

• 10 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 ¼ cups granulated sugar
• ¾ cups unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/4 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. espresso powder
• 2 tsp. vanilla bean paste or extract
• 2 large eggs, cold
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• ⅔ cups all-purpose flour
• 1/3 cup chopped Valrhona Caramelia
• 1/3 cup chopped Valrhona Dulcey 

Preheat oven to 325F and line an 8×8 baking pan with parchment paper.

In a medium-sized saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Cook the butter, whisking constantly, until  golden brown. 

In a large mixing bowl, combine the browned butter with the sugar, cocoa powder, salt, baking powder, espresso powder, and vanilla. Whisk until smooth and set aside to cool for a few minutes. Add one egg at a time, mixing thoroughly in between each addition. Mix in the oil. Sift in flour and mix with a wooden spoon for fifty strokes, until the batter is thick and glossy. Fold in the chocolate.

Pour the brownie batter into the prepared pan and bake for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and set aside to cool while you prepare the ganache.

Salted Caramelia Ganache

• 4 ½ oz Valrhona Caramelia 
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1/2 teaspoon coarse sea salt 
• 2 tablespoons Valrhona Caramelia crunchy pearls 
• 2 tablespoons Valrhona Dulcey crunchy pearls
• 2 tablespoons Valrhona Opalys crunchy pearls

In a small saucepan over medium heat, combine the chocolate, cream, butter and salt, cooking until melted. Whisk the mixture until smooth. Pour the ganache over the brownies. Working quickly, spread the ganache evenly over the brownies. 

Immediately transfer the brownies into the refrigerator or freezer to set. This should take between 30 minutes and 1 hour. Sprinkle on chocolate pearls halfway through. When you’re ready to serve, bring the brownies to room temperature and cut into squares.

The Salty Pilgrim (& a virtual potluck!)

Do you ever dream up what the Big Gay Ice Cream menu would have looked like in 1621? Nope. Okay, definitely just me.

A few weeks back, Renee from Will Frolic for Food contacted me and bunch of other bloggers about participating in a huge virtual Friendsgiving potluck in collaboration with J. Q. Dickinson Salt-Works and I immediately jumped on board. I mean, wouldn't you want to have two Thanksgivings in a single week too? Sure, the first of the two may be virtual and you can't actually eat any of the food, but I'm sure that we'd all feel a little bit less guilty that way anyways. 

Given my inability to cook real people food (read: anything that isn't sugar), I hopped on the dessert train faster than Michelle Obama could turn up with a root vegetable. Then came the panic over what to make...

I'm not one for pumpkin or sweet potato pies, so the classics were out of the picture for this Thanksgiving spread. I thought to myself — and probably out loud, too — "hmmm, what type of dessert is the farthest from traditional for a Thanksgiving dinner?"

Ice cream sundaes. 

Disclaimer: If your annual Thanksgiving celebration is complete with a sundae bar, I have two questions for you: 1) who the hell are you? and 2) where is my invitation? 

It took milliseconds before I was thinking of ways to reimagine Big Gay Ice Cream's Salty Pimp for turkey day. I don't know how many pimps were roaming around Plymouth County, but my speculation is that the number was preeeeetty low, so I made the executive decision to rename this sundae the Salty Pilgrim and make it all types of first harvest inspired. 

In case you're unaware of the Salty Pimp, it's a cone of vanilla soft serve, dulce de leche, chocolate shell, and flakes of sea salt. Aside from shedding its overtly sexual nature and being much more PC, the Salty Pilgrim is composed of the following:

• Sweet Corn Ice Cream (not soft serve, but just go with the flow)
• Sweet Potato Caramel 
• Valrhona Dulcey Magic Shell (v important !!!!!!!!!!!!) 
• J. Q. Dickinson Sea Salt flakes  

and holy Jamestown, is it delicious! One bite in and my mom was doing the whole *eyes wide open, gasping for air, and kind of muttering "holy shit" under her breath* thing she does whenever I make something really freaking good. I prepped a sundae for my dad later on last night. He practically moaned, then said "you need to give this to somebody. People need to have this in their life." So there you go, a damn harvest sundae called the Salty Pilgrim is Trey Blackall approved. (and that's QUITE the feat!)

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Disclaimer: this post is part of a virtual Friendsgiving potluck with J. Q. Dickinson Salt-Works. All opinions are mine, like the fact that this salt is soooo bomb! 

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Sweet Corn Ice Cream

(adapted from this Jeni's recipe)

• 2 cups whole milk
• 4 tsp. cornstarch
• 1 ear of corn
• 1 1/4 cups heavy whipping cream
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons light corn syrup
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1/4 tsp. kosher salt
• 3 tablespoons cream cheese, softened

Directions

1Make the ice cream: In a bowl, stir together 1/4 cup milk and the cornstarch; set slurry aside. Cut kernels off cob of corn and cut cob into large chunks; reserve kernels and cob together. In a 4-qt. saucepan, whisk together remaining milk and the cream, sugar, syrup, and salt; add corn kernels and cob and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Cook for 4 minutes; stir in slurry. Return to a boil and cook, stirring, until thickened, about 2 minutes. Pour mixture through a fine strainer into a bowl and discard corn solids. 

Place cream cheese in a bowl and pour in 1/4 cup hot milk mixture; whisk until smooth. Then whisk in remaining milk mixture. Pour mixture into a plastic bag; seal, and submerge in a bowl of ice water until chilled. Pour mixture into an ice cream maker; process according to manufacturer's instructions. 

Sweet Potato Caramel

(adapted from Crazy for Crust)

• 1 cup sugar
• 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, sliced into tablespoons
• 2/3 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1/3 cup sweet potato puree
• 1/4 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
• a dash of black pepper
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• a pinch of salt 

Directions

In a heavy-bottomed sauce pan, heat the sugar over medium-low heat. Cook the sugar until it melts and turns into an amber caramel, stirring often. Add the butter and stir until combined, it will bubble up like crazy here. Add half of the heavy cream, stir to combine, and then stir in the remaining half. Add the sweet potato, spices, salt, and vanilla extract and stir until smooth. 

Pour the caramel into a jar and store at room temperature or refrigerated. 

Valrhona Dulcey Magic Shell 

• 160 grams Valrhona Dulcey, chopped
• 100 grams coconut oil 

Directions

In a microwave-safe bowl, microwave the chocolate and oil together in 30 second increments, stirring after each one, until melted. Store at room temperature. 

Homemade Butterfinger BB's

RING THE NEW SERIES ALARM!

You read that right, I'm launching a new recipe series that I'm super super excited about. I've been crazy inspired by junk food and my childhood lately. Growing up in the late 90s and early 2000s was the shit. I know that a lot of my peers whine about being born in the "wrong era," but I wouldn't trade my birth year for anything. (Seriously, how pretentious is that? #eyeroll) 

I could go on and on about my weird obsession with B*Witched or tell you every single HitClips single I had, but let's talk about the food real quick. I was quite the poster child for childhood obesity, so after school snacks were my life. I'd do anything to go back to a time where I could come home from my totally strenuous day of elementary school, grab a s'mores Chewy bar and a Pepsi Blue, and turn on TRL without feeling overwhelmed with guilt. You know, if TRL and Pepsi Blue were still around. I guess some things just have to change. 

Graham's Lunchbox is a new series that will explore, remake, and re-imagine all of my favorite childhood foods. The processed junk of my childhood far outweighs the snacks inhabiting the lunchboxes of schoolchildren nationwide today. Sure, Pumpkin Spice Oreos are hella delicious, but they don't have anything on Dunkaroos. Those fancy eighty-million-percent dark chocolate bars that I indulge in from time to time pale in comparison to the pure joy that was cracking open a Wonderball at age 8. And don't even get me started on Crispy M&M's. 

Speaking of candy, did you guys know that you can make Butterfingers at home with only THREE ingredients? Don't ask me how it all works (although my personal theory is that it's some kind of sorcery via the candy gods), but equal parts melted candy corn and creamy peanut butter yields a glorious substance that is freakishly similar to an actual Butterfinger candy bar. I've seen the recipe on Pinterest for years, but never really thought much of it until it dawned on me that I could make my own version of my favorite childhood candy at home. So I did it. 

Yes, Graham Blackall just singlehandedly revived America's most-amazing-but-too-often-forgotten candy of yesteryear: the Butterfinger BB. Please hold your applause. 

It's recently come to my attention that some very unfortunate souls do not remember that sugary flawlessness that was the Butterfinger BB. Let me educate you. First introduced in 1996, Butterfinger BB's were essentially just little circular bits of your typical Butterfinger. They were delicious. (Much better than a regular Butterfinger even though they were the same thing.) I ate a lot of them. They had awesome commercials starring Bart Simpson. My life lost all purpose and became completely devoid of joy when they were discontinued in 2006. Nestle sort of revived them in 2009 in the form of Butterfinger Bites, but they're totally not the same thing. In 2014, I made them a thing again and it was glorious. 

The result? Instant throwback. It's actually kind of scary how good these are. I've been keeping them in the freezer and it's definitely been one of those situations where every single time I walk past my kitchen I have to restrain myself from getting one. and I'm failing. Miserably. (quelle surprise!) 

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Homemade Butterfinger BB's

• 16 oz. creamy peanut butter
• 16 oz. candy corn
• melted semisweet chocolate for dipping 

In a medium bowl, microwave the peanut butter and candy corn for 1 minute. Stir the mixture to combine. Continue microwaving in 30 second bursts until the mixture is fully combined. Using a teaspoon, scoop the mixture and roll into balls. Place the bb's on a parchment-lined baking sheet and freeze. Once hardened, remove from freezer and dip into melted chocolate. Return the balls to the freezer to set the chocolate.