the most grown-up cosmic brownies ever

My dad thinks that my life is spiraling out of control and that I'm failing out of school. Rest assured, I'm not. Sure, I'm definitely a tad bit overdramatic and telling him that I totally failed my midterms didn't help, but he should know by now that "failing" in my mind means getting a B. Yes, even I can agree that I've definitely been off my routine lately, been going out too much, skipping my pilates classes too regularly, et cetera, but dude.... chill out. (Oh and about that giant hickey I came home with last weekend.... oops?)

I always say that March and October are the two most hectic, nerve-wracking months of the entire year. This year hasn't been any different. School is crazy. Life is crazy. My roots are crazy. Everything is crazy.

This past weekend I came to the realization that even though this break from the regularly scheduled program that is my life was much needed, getting my shit together is even more necessary. First things first —for the love of God please stop me from making an Iggy Azalea reference right now — I've got to reconcile with my beautiful KitchenAid. She thinks I've been cheating on her lately.... so I made some brownies as a peace offering!!!

I've been super inspired by my childhood lately, and when I say that I mean the part of my childhood where my brother and I would polish off a whole box of Cosmic Brownies in one night. I made a personal vow to never eat store-bought desserts in high school, so I've been on a mission to bring Cosmic Brownies back into my life in the most bougie and pretentious way possible. How did I do that exactly? Hella browned butter, some really expensive cocoa powder, salted caramelized milk chocolate ganache, and about 40-plus dollars of Valrhona chocolate stuffed in, around, and on top. Yep, I'm that guy. 

Brb, I've got to tend to these heinous roots. No really, they're so far gone that I can't even write them off as natural ombré anymore. In the meantime, make these brownies! You can even call me Little Debbie. Miss Deborah if you're nasty.

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Grown-up Cosmic Brownies

Chocolate Brownies

• 10 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 ¼ cups granulated sugar
• ¾ cups unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/4 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. espresso powder
• 2 tsp. vanilla bean paste or extract
• 2 large eggs, cold
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• ⅔ cups all-purpose flour
• 1/3 cup chopped Valrhona Caramelia
• 1/3 cup chopped Valrhona Dulcey 

Preheat oven to 325F and line an 8×8 baking pan with parchment paper.

In a medium-sized saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Cook the butter, whisking constantly, until  golden brown. 

In a large mixing bowl, combine the browned butter with the sugar, cocoa powder, salt, baking powder, espresso powder, and vanilla. Whisk until smooth and set aside to cool for a few minutes. Add one egg at a time, mixing thoroughly in between each addition. Mix in the oil. Sift in flour and mix with a wooden spoon for fifty strokes, until the batter is thick and glossy. Fold in the chocolate.

Pour the brownie batter into the prepared pan and bake for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and set aside to cool while you prepare the ganache.

Salted Caramelia Ganache

• 4 ½ oz Valrhona Caramelia 
• 1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1 tablespoon butter
• 1/2 teaspoon coarse sea salt 
• 2 tablespoons Valrhona Caramelia crunchy pearls 
• 2 tablespoons Valrhona Dulcey crunchy pearls
• 2 tablespoons Valrhona Opalys crunchy pearls

In a small saucepan over medium heat, combine the chocolate, cream, butter and salt, cooking until melted. Whisk the mixture until smooth. Pour the ganache over the brownies. Working quickly, spread the ganache evenly over the brownies. 

Immediately transfer the brownies into the refrigerator or freezer to set. This should take between 30 minutes and 1 hour. Sprinkle on chocolate pearls halfway through. When you’re ready to serve, bring the brownies to room temperature and cut into squares.

The Salty Pilgrim (& a virtual potluck!)

Do you ever dream up what the Big Gay Ice Cream menu would have looked like in 1621? Nope. Okay, definitely just me.

A few weeks back, Renee from Will Frolic for Food contacted me and bunch of other bloggers about participating in a huge virtual Friendsgiving potluck in collaboration with J. Q. Dickinson Salt-Works and I immediately jumped on board. I mean, wouldn't you want to have two Thanksgivings in a single week too? Sure, the first of the two may be virtual and you can't actually eat any of the food, but I'm sure that we'd all feel a little bit less guilty that way anyways. 

Given my inability to cook real people food (read: anything that isn't sugar), I hopped on the dessert train faster than Michelle Obama could turn up with a root vegetable. Then came the panic over what to make...

I'm not one for pumpkin or sweet potato pies, so the classics were out of the picture for this Thanksgiving spread. I thought to myself — and probably out loud, too — "hmmm, what type of dessert is the farthest from traditional for a Thanksgiving dinner?"

Ice cream sundaes. 

Disclaimer: If your annual Thanksgiving celebration is complete with a sundae bar, I have two questions for you: 1) who the hell are you? and 2) where is my invitation? 

It took milliseconds before I was thinking of ways to reimagine Big Gay Ice Cream's Salty Pimp for turkey day. I don't know how many pimps were roaming around Plymouth County, but my speculation is that the number was preeeeetty low, so I made the executive decision to rename this sundae the Salty Pilgrim and make it all types of first harvest inspired. 

In case you're unaware of the Salty Pimp, it's a cone of vanilla soft serve, dulce de leche, chocolate shell, and flakes of sea salt. Aside from shedding its overtly sexual nature and being much more PC, the Salty Pilgrim is composed of the following:

• Sweet Corn Ice Cream (not soft serve, but just go with the flow)
• Sweet Potato Caramel 
• Valrhona Dulcey Magic Shell (v important !!!!!!!!!!!!) 
• J. Q. Dickinson Sea Salt flakes  

and holy Jamestown, is it delicious! One bite in and my mom was doing the whole *eyes wide open, gasping for air, and kind of muttering "holy shit" under her breath* thing she does whenever I make something really freaking good. I prepped a sundae for my dad later on last night. He practically moaned, then said "you need to give this to somebody. People need to have this in their life." So there you go, a damn harvest sundae called the Salty Pilgrim is Trey Blackall approved. (and that's QUITE the feat!)

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Disclaimer: this post is part of a virtual Friendsgiving potluck with J. Q. Dickinson Salt-Works. All opinions are mine, like the fact that this salt is soooo bomb! 

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Sweet Corn Ice Cream

(adapted from this Jeni's recipe)

• 2 cups whole milk
• 4 tsp. cornstarch
• 1 ear of corn
• 1 1/4 cups heavy whipping cream
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons light corn syrup
• 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1/4 tsp. kosher salt
• 3 tablespoons cream cheese, softened

Directions

1Make the ice cream: In a bowl, stir together 1/4 cup milk and the cornstarch; set slurry aside. Cut kernels off cob of corn and cut cob into large chunks; reserve kernels and cob together. In a 4-qt. saucepan, whisk together remaining milk and the cream, sugar, syrup, and salt; add corn kernels and cob and bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Cook for 4 minutes; stir in slurry. Return to a boil and cook, stirring, until thickened, about 2 minutes. Pour mixture through a fine strainer into a bowl and discard corn solids. 

Place cream cheese in a bowl and pour in 1/4 cup hot milk mixture; whisk until smooth. Then whisk in remaining milk mixture. Pour mixture into a plastic bag; seal, and submerge in a bowl of ice water until chilled. Pour mixture into an ice cream maker; process according to manufacturer's instructions. 

Sweet Potato Caramel

(adapted from Crazy for Crust)

• 1 cup sugar
• 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, sliced into tablespoons
• 2/3 cup heavy whipping cream
• 1/3 cup sweet potato puree
• 1/4 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
• a dash of black pepper
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• a pinch of salt 

Directions

In a heavy-bottomed sauce pan, heat the sugar over medium-low heat. Cook the sugar until it melts and turns into an amber caramel, stirring often. Add the butter and stir until combined, it will bubble up like crazy here. Add half of the heavy cream, stir to combine, and then stir in the remaining half. Add the sweet potato, spices, salt, and vanilla extract and stir until smooth. 

Pour the caramel into a jar and store at room temperature or refrigerated. 

Valrhona Dulcey Magic Shell 

• 160 grams Valrhona Dulcey, chopped
• 100 grams coconut oil 

Directions

In a microwave-safe bowl, microwave the chocolate and oil together in 30 second increments, stirring after each one, until melted. Store at room temperature. 

Legally Blondies + How to make Caramelized White Chocolate

It's true, blondes definitely have more fun. 

The past two years have been all about blonde everything. In fact, I'm pretty sure we can dub 2012 the Year of the Blondes. That year, Starbucks introduced their first ever Blonde Roast coffee, Miley Cyrus pretty much broke the internet after chopping all of her hair off and debuting her now-iconic blonde pixie cut, and most importantly, Valrhona released their Blond Dulcey chocolate bar, the first ever blond chocolate to exist on the chocolate market. Well, Miley is pretty important too. (We kinda have the same hair.) 

I was first introduced to Valrhona Dulcey in the form of a blonde chocolate molten cake I had last summer at Restaurant R'Evolution here in New Orleans. I'm a huge white chocolate boy, so blonde chocolate seemed like the natural next step. One bite in and I was in love. 

Dulcey was created by Frédéric Bau, executive chef at Valrhona's École du Grand Chocolat on complete accident. After melting white chocolate down in a bain maire for an upcoming demonstration, he left the remaining unused melted chocolate on the stovetop. After about 10 hours, he returned to discover that his white chocolate had caramelized into a deep caramel color and tasted like toasty shortbread. Pretty genius, right? In 2012, Valrhona released Dulcey, the first ever blond chocolate, by producing what Bau had accidentally made on a larger scale. 

You know when you're looking at a menu, and you see that one ingredient. You know, the one that you just have to order just because it's used in some capacity in whatever dish and you're downright obsessed with it? That's blonde chocolate for me. 

I'd love to hear what ingredient you're obsessed with! Let me know in the comments below. 

Legally Blondies are just that — blondies in their truest form. No more bleach blondies, no more dirty blondies, it's all about the real deal. These perfect blondies are adapted from the famed Cook's Illustrated recipe and are full of toasted pecans and you guessed it, blonde chocolate. Seriously, these are the best. I'm in brown sugar heaven right now. 

There's just one dilemma: Dulcey is virtually impossible to find in America (I've only seen it available for consumer purchase in New York) and it's pretty damn expensive. An 8.8 oz. baking bar will run you back $12.99 before shipping, and a bigger bag of Dulcey baking feves are about double. So instead of teasing you with these amazing blondies, I'm giving you a tutorial on how to make caramelized white chocolate at home! 40 minutes of roasting in the oven (with a lot of stirring every 5 minutes) will leave you with a chocolate comparable in taste with Dulcey. So easy. 

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Caramelized White Chocolate

• 16 oz. high-quality white chocolate, chopped 

Preheat oven to 266° F. Scatter white chocolate pieces onto a baking pan.* Bake the chocolate for 40 minutes, removing from the oven every 5 minutes to stir. (After about 30 minutes, the chocolate will caramelize and gradually turn amber.) Remove from oven and place into a bowl. At this stage, your chocolate might be lumpy and pretty gross looking. Don't worry! Stir vigorously until a liquid resembling melted chocolate forms. Pour into a glass jar and store at room temperature. 

* Baker's Note: I used a 9x13 metal baking pan without parchment, but any rimmed baking sheet will do. 

Valhrona Dulcey Blondies

• 12 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
• 1 1/2 cup light brown sugar, packed
• 2 large eggs
• 4 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 4 ounces chopped Valhrona Dulcey blond chocolate or homemade caramelized white chocolate* (See Note)
• 1 cup pecans, toasted (optional, but well worth it) 

Preheat oven to 350° F. Line a 9x13 baking sheet with parchment. 

In a medium bowl, mix together the melted butter and sugar until thoroughly combined. Stir in eggs and vanilla extract. Sift in the flour, salt, and baking powder and mix until just combined. Do not overmix. Fold in pecans and chocolate pieces.* 

Pour mixture into prepared pan. Bake until set, about 22 - 25 minutes. Cool to room temperature. Cut cooled blondies into squares and serve (with ice cream!). 

* Bakers Note: If using the Dulcey chocolate, fold into the batter with pecans, as per the directions. If using homemade caramelized white chocolate, swirl chocolate through the batter before baking.